The Toilet Paper Diaries

Answer me this: Why am I subjected to commercials about whether toilet paper rolls should be placed on the actual roll going over or under? Are we as humans that bored with our existence that the most thrilling discussion we can come up with lately is should the roll go over or under?

To be honest, when I do change the roll I don't pay attention to whether I put it over or under, and if you'd like even more honesty: most of the time I am lazy like most others and don't even change the roll out. I leave the empty cardboard tube hanging there on the roll and just set the new roll on the counter or the back of the toilet or something, and I'll leave it that way for weeks.

I'm fairly sure that anyone that anal about toilet paper etiquette (pardon the pun) is sure to have some problems. But I have come to realize that these are the problems concerning the world today- what brand of TP? What ply? Should I get the huge rolls with the roll-extender? Scented or unscented? Over or under???

Really...

Everyone involved with the "over or under" mania, take your damn roll, put it on the roller in the manner you see fit and shut the hell up, because in the end, no matter haw fancy it is or what direction its facing, its all going into some shitty places! bahahaha...

Flush...

Celebrification...

The biggest complaint I hear from most people against celebrities is about them complaining about the ‘famous life.’ Yeah, I understand it as well; we all just want to choke them as they are driving down Rodeo Drive in their pimped out ride, wearing their D&G sunglasses, after getting their $400 haircut and they think we want to hear them cry and moan about how the fame and glory is just too much to handle and if they could trade all they have for a “normal life” to blend in with the rest of us faceless nothings, they totally would…

Uh, fucking GAG me…

Yeah boo-fuckin-hoo- you’re trying to get out, we’re all trying to get in to that spot God damn it.

Anyway…

Aside from that being everyone’s main complaint, my main complaint is a little different. I can pretty much tolerate every little billionaire heiress boobing about how their life is just so hard, what I really cannot handle is the wannabe famous B and C List stars thinking they are more famous than they really are, and also telling us all about their problems.

If you are still clueless after I just said all that, I envy you because you haven’t been subjected to it, or you’re probably just not as much of a TV junkie as me.

For the rest of us, that statement screams Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt. As much as I wish they would go back to the factory and get re-melted down for parts, they are just like a fucking train wreck--- I cannot peel my little eyes away. Both of you: Get a fucking clue, the whole world doesn’t love you, neither of you are exceptionally beautiful or talented, yet you both walk around batting away the imaginary paparazzi that are just figments of your imaginations. I honestly didn’t know it was possible for two completely separate people to have the exact same delusion or hallucination at the same time, that has got to me some medical or scientific phenomenon or something…

The most recent thing going on with them of course is Heidi’s plastic surgery overhaul. Does anyone really care that she hated herself so much beforehand that she felt it necessary to get the surgeries? For the most part, no- most of us were basically not all that surprised by it. And although she can (and will) keep getting those surgeries, she, nor her husband, will ever understand that you cannot change the inside by changing the outside… Especially if you started out as a lifeless mannequin with no personality whatsoever...

The best part about the whole thing is Heidi’s supposed complaint about Spencer not having sex with her because she wants to get pregnant, and he doesn’t want that to happen. I want to know why her solution is to go and spend ridiculous amounts of money to alter her body. That is absurd for a couple key reasons. The first one is she JUST spent all that crazy money on all those modifications, does she not know that pregnancy basically wrecks your body from the inside out, even the parts you’ve paid for? Mother Nature is not going to just skip you over and say “Oh Heidi my dear, I don’t want to ruin all the work your doctor has done!” There is no fairy dust to keep from having your body change from something as major as bearing a child.

The second big reason that now being pregnant would be bad is you’ve got to realize that whatever children you naturally produce are going to look like the pre-surgery you, your personal alterations don’t alter your genes and DNA. If you hated the natural you and your kids come out looking like that, are you going to resent them in any way because they remind you of what you didn’t like about yourself? Or when they get old enough will you encourage them to get surgery themselves so they can have the bad self image you have?

Oh wait, I have another reason they shouldn’t reproduce: Its Spencer and Heidi... That is reason enough.
This close-to novel length entry should be enough on this subject, so in ending I just want to say: All you real celebrities, suck it up and quit bitching about how rough your cushy little lives are, or live to your words- go (back) to a life where nobody knows who you are, in your fashions from the Walmart clearance racks, working 2 full time jobs paying minimum wage, still living paycheck to paycheck, living in a studio apartment… after you make that transition, THEN let me know really “how terrible and hard” your lovely star lifestyle is.

As for Heidi and Spencer: Just GO AWAY.

grammy-whammy...

I am going to go ahead and assume that everyone is familiar with Lady Gaga's insane fashion sense.  What she does is so beyond me, I feel old thinking about how ridiculous she is.  Well that pretty much goes for any famous people that go beyond the goal of wanting to be a fashion icon trendsetter and just go total balls out and become trendsetters in the architectural world.

I really wish that Gaga wasn't a great singer and actually really talented, because I want to hate her.  Well, not necessarily, I want for her to be one thing or the other- a whore with no talent so I can ignore her, or growing up a bit and using the talent she has to be a little more mature and tasteful so I can like her and not have to feel like I am setting a bad example for my kid.  I hate what kind of examples she is setting for young women of today, I hate that she feels its necessary for her to try too hard with the clothes and hair and makeup, I hate that she thinks being extraordinarily whorish and graphic is necessary for her image.  But dammit, that girl can sing and she can make a hit.

Gaga, seriously, you are not fooling anyone AT ALL with your lack of expression- we all know that when you wear the stupid shit you do that you are as uncomfortable in it as we are looking at it.

All of this is not to say that she doesn't have talent, but in most cases people really have to exhibit talent THEN become famous, THEN kind of get away with wearing stupid shit.  Gaga started with stupid outfits and makeup to make us all go 'what the hell is wrong with this girl?' then she put some songs out there kind of showing some talent, then did some interviews telling the world that she will keep her legs eternally open for us all, and after all the shock and awe that is the point when she decided to show us she actually can sing.

Sorry I am so old fashioned I want my celebrities to show me why I should love them FIRST then show me why I should hate them a year or two later.

I don't hate her, I want so badly for her to chill out and show that she is a real person so I can like her like the rest of you, but while the rest of the world is in a Gaga hypnotic haze, I look and see a chick my age that tries way too hard and in most cases ends up looking like a drag queen.  I am sure there is a pretty young lady under the pound of makeup, the bag of glitter, the fake lashes, the wig-like hair and the silly costumes.  Just allow me once to see that, and by all means continue the silly exhibition.

I am seriuosly waiting for the day that she is finally too old to do this (i.e. Madonna) but still tries, and is forced into showing us all that there is a person under there, and she is hopefully not some personality-less robot (like Miley Cyrus and Taylor Swift, girls, be more than a pretty face!).

I'm waiting for you Lady Gaga